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You keep giving what it takes...

...and takes and takes and takes and takes...give until it hurts.

Sound familiar?

I am one of those people who can focus my energy and get pretty much anything done. If I believe in what I'm doing, nothing will stop me until I get it done. I have that ability to dig deep and do whatever it takes to make something a reality. I don't see obstacles, I only see finish lines. The end goal. I know what it takes and I keep giving what it takes until I reach that goal or bring that vision to life.

And this is a great skill to makes me a good entrepreneur, a great team player, someone people can rely on and someone people can trust to get things done.

However...and yes there is a however...this character trait being "good for me" or "harmful to me" depends entirely on my why. Why am I giving what it takes? And my who. Who am I giving what I've got to?

I am also what I like to call an RC...a recovering codependent. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” Yep. That was me for most of my life. Within every relationship...basically, my relationship with the world was codependent. I had no internal sense of who I was or what was good for me. My entire sense of self was dictated by external relationship with my spouse, my children, my friends, my family, my I felt about myself was entirely wrapped up in my perception of how others felt about me.

And the insanity of it is that our perception of how someone feels about us is not how they actually think or feel about's still coming through our own filters and beliefs. Total insanity. We can't control what people think or feel about us. No matter how many hoops we jump through or how much we dance to their tune. And it's exhausting. When we are measuring ourselves against an impossible set of conditions and only allowing ourselves to feel good about ourselves when conditions x, y, z are met, it's a recipe for total disconnection. My children are happy and healthy, therefore I am allowed to be happy because I must be a good mom. My spouse is happy and fulfilled, so now I am allowed to believe I am a good wife. My friends invited me out for drinks, I must be a good person.

So what happens when your kids are not happy? When your spouse is dissatisfied? When you don't get the invite? You guessed it. It sends you spiralling...reeling with confusion, anxiety, fear. Questioning the beliefs you had about yourself. And it robs you of your sense of well being. Your sense of peace.

But when you decide that how you feel about yourself if no longer going to rely on the outside world, you start taking your power back. When you decide that you matter, you are no longer at the mercy of circumstance dictating how you are allowed to feel about yourself. When you decide that how you feel about yourself is now about being in alignment with your own values and the things that bring you joy, then you are truly free. Free to choose how you feel. Free to choose you. Free to choose how you are going to feel in any given moment no matter the circumstances.

Authentic internal connection with self will never come from meeting an external set of conditions. It only comes from living in alignment and staying connected to source (love, God, universe).

The only relationship that truly matters is the one you have with yourself. Your authentic Self. The eternal you. When you have that figured out, the way you "give" changes. You can still give what it takes but it is no longer at the expense of you. Because you're doing it for you. The desire is coming from inside you...instead of chasing something outside of you. You have clarity on the "why" and the "who". And you won't get won't be leaking all your energy into the black hole of and giving and giving beyond all sense of reason until you have nothing left.

Be a giver! Giving is a beautiful thing. Giving until it hurts? Not so much.

T xo

1 Comment

Deirdre Freiheit
Deirdre Freiheit
Jul 27, 2023

Love this Tara. So true.

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